If You Loved Me, Why Did You Leave Me?
by umaficwriter
Summary: The worst day of loving someone, is the day that you… lose them. Crowen.


If You Loved Me, Why Did You Leave Me?

**Summary**: The worst day of loving someone, is the day that you lose them. Crowen.

**Disclaimer**: Grey's Anatomy it's not mine, I wish it was but Shonda owns A PORRA TODA as we commonly say in Brazil! The summary quote was said by Elena Gilbert from The Vampire Diaries.

**Author's** **notes**: You guys read this listening to some REALLY sad songs, just to get in the mood, okay? For that I have 'Broken by umaficwriter' one of my playlists on Spotify. In case you don't have an account or something, you can listen to 'All I Want' by Kodaline and 'Lost Without You' by Freya Ridings bc that'll do the trick just fine. Enjoy!

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Owen stopped in his tracks.

He faced the door. _Dr_. _Katherine_ _Waytt_ – _Psychiatrist_. The man took a deep breath, feeling his lugs fill up with the sterile air within the hospital walls around him.

Owen knocked two short times on the door, and heard a subtle "come in, please." Before he entered the room.

"Dr. Hunt." The woman acknowledged him as he got in.

Dr. Waytt was a well-known psychiatrist, who worked at this very hospital since her residency. She had dark blonde hair and kind brown eyes, Owen noticed, Cristina's were a little darker… his line of thought was interrupted by the woman calling him again.

"Dr. Hunt. Please, have a sit." She indicated the couch in front of her _apparently_ comfortable chair.

The redhead sited on the couch and intertwined his hands in front of him.

"How're you feeling today?"

"You do know _why_ am I here, right?" asked the male doctor, a little incredulous she asked what she did.

"I know you're here because your wife died three months ago, yes-"

"And the hospital's board of directors signed me up for these sessions." he completed.

"Not just you, Dr. Hunt. All those who were close to the deceased."

"Don't talk about her like _this_." The trauma surgeon interfered.

"Like what?" the woman wanted to know.

He didn't answer.

"Like she was dead?"

"_Don't_." Owen shuttled his eyes and grimaced. It was too painful.

"Owen…" Dr. Waytt tried a more personal tone. "the grief has its stages. That's normal, she wasn't just a woman you knew, Cristina was your _wife_, your best friend…"

"I just cannot believe she's _gone_." His eyes stung with tears he knew would come. "I can't conceive… I lost so much, so fast… I couldn't sa… I couldn't say goodbye to her. I love her _so_ much still." Tears ran freely from his orbs now. "and for that, I'm afraid, someday, I'll forget her."

Dr. Waytt reached a _Kleenex_ box beside her and gave it to her patient.

"Some time, in the future, you're gonna feel less pain when you say her name out loud, or recall something she used to do, but you will _never_ forget her, Owen. That I can guarantee you."

He took a deep breath and used a tissue to dry his eyes. The man's face was red from the realization.

"For this first session, I want to know what you're feeling right now. And we are going to sort out the rest. As it comes" She exhaled. "You need to talk to someone."

She waited for him to pronounce something.

He was starring the windows to his right. The day outside was incredible bright and the sun was making everything shinny and warm. It seemed like the weather was bullying him.

He let out another long breath.

"I'm damaged." He started. "I feel useless. I want to go back to the OR because that's the closest I'll get to her again." Owen rubbed his hands together. Blue eyes lost in memory. "I feel like there's no reason to get out of bed. I feel like Iraq all over again, only worse, because _my_ Cristina, the one that fixed me, is not here anymore and I'm…"

He looked inside Katherine's eyes.

"I miss her." Incontinently, Owen was playing with his wedding ring, still where it belonged.

Katherine sighed again and put her notebook down in her beside table.

"What was she like?" she asked and Owen looked away. "What did she look like? How did she sound like? Tell me everything you remember about her."

"Well, you know how she looked like."

"I do, yes, but I wanna see it through _your_ eyes."

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. The words were stuck inside of him. His heart was beating fast and another set of tears were to arrive.

"Cristina had this _amazing_ smile. You wouldn't know that because she only displayed it so many times and it was like…"

"**You got me a **_**valve**__**replacement**_**?" Cristina asked him with **_**the**__**most**_** amazing smile ever. Owen loved all of them, but just surgery could make her smile like that. And know that he got that beautiful grin out of her… just made his day. **

**The trauma surgeon nodded and felt her arms around him. Course she couldn't close them round his middle, but that was okay. He could do it for them both. **

"**I **_**love**_** you! You're the greatest boyfriend **_**ever!**_**" Cristina exclaimed with a board smile. Her eyes only for him, her love only for him in that moment. She felt thrilled and loved and adored by this man, because he knew her so well to the point where he knew better than to send some soon-to-be-dead flowers, instead getting her, her first solo procedure. **

"**I love you too." He responded capturing her lips for himself. **

"She also had that amazing curly hair and _flawless_ skin." He added, a little smile over his face, his orbs focused on the floor, he was recalling some moment between them. "You remember that, right?" he referred to Cristina's features.

"Yes, yes I do. She was very pretty, indeed."

**Cristina stirred in bed and felt warm all over. It was good waking up next to someone after all the hurting. And she was thinking that, some more nights like the one before, and she could get used to share a bed again. Everyday, maybe. **

**The Asian opened her eyes to face a stunning man starring back at her. **

"**Good morning." Owen greeted, reaching for her lips. **

"**Morning…" she lazily responded, more preoccupied in kissing the redhead back. **

**Hunt moved away from her mouth just to admire her features. **

"**I think you're beautiful." He offered. **

"**You already said that…" she smiled at him recalling that episode at her doorstep, not so long ago. **

"**I'll never get tired of saying so, tough." He kissed her again. "Your hair is gracious, and your skin is flawless…" he proceeded to plant open-mouthed kisses on her shoulders and after that on her neck, earlobe… **

Owen was now standing in the middle of the room. Behind Dr. Waytt

"But more than beautiful, Cristina was _brilliant_." He let out a little laugh. "_'Screw_ _beautiful'_, she'd say."

Dr. Waytt grinned.

"She was a _goddess_ in the OR, Katherine." He stated. "a talent like hers is hard to find and only those whom work more than hard and have a gift, could reach her." He put his hands inside his jeans' pockets and went to the windows he was staring at earlier. "there's no one like her. She was a _single_ _malt_ _scotch_."

**Owen ascended the Firehouse' stairs, two steps at a time, as he listened to **_**Madonna**_** blistering from the stereo. **

"_**Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time! Like a virgin! When your heart beats, next to mine!**_**" the vision of Cristina standing in their bed, only in his old army shirt and underwear was delicious. Although, her singing, not so much. **

"**Hey, Madonna!" he called turning the radio's volume down and making himself audible. **

"**Hey!" she greeted, still bouncing in bed. Curls up and down, just as his old shirt, showing her black panties. **

"**Little show ypu were pulling up, huh?" he teased getting closer to the bed. **

"**Did you like it?" she wanted to know, on her face a deviously smile. **

"**I did, very much, yes." He gave her his hand as to help her out of the bed, instead, Cristina jumped in him, quite literally. **

**He let out a **_**oomph**_**, even though she didn't weighted much. **

**The woman kissed him senseless, starting at his nose, cheeks, eyes, and last, but not least, his mouth, moment her husband was waiting hungrily for. **

"**Wanna make me feel like a virgin touched for the very first time?" she asked as they briefly parted. **

**He laughed and kissed her, descending the both of them to the mattress **

**He loved her like crazy. **

By noon the session was over. With that, Owen bid his goodbye to Dr. Waytt and went out of the door, closing it behind him.

For the millionth time that day, Hunt let a deep sigh escape him.

He started walking the Grey Sloan's corridors and it was almost like he could hear echoes of her laugh, her voice. His eyes were playing tricks on him. He was seeing her shadow in some corner, or her reflection in random windows, or elevators' doors.

He waited for her to find him anytime now, as she did countless times before, when she was… when Cristina was… _alive_.

Owen Hunt couldn't find peace. He'd lost his strength, the thing that kept him sane and thriving. He had lost his _everything_.

Out of the hospital's double doors, he reached his car, parked in the same spot as always have been. He took his time to look around him.

What was he hoping for?

For her to catch him up and kiss him goodbye after his shift?

He never thought that, that simple gesture would be all he wanted in life.

The man faced the sky above and questioned: how could he be here without her? Would God tell him? Because he was powerless not knowing the answer.

If only he could change the way things were…

Owen got in his car and drove home.

_Home_ was just not the same, it felt like she was there, it felt like they were together, reunited just a day ago. Only, when he woke up, he faced the cruel reality, life had thrown at him. At _their_ love.

Dr. Hunt entered the house that once was theirs. The firehouse was his sanctuary once upon a time, not anymore. Still, he couldn't produce strength to move out.

Everyone told him it would be okay, told him not to give up because she wouldn't want that. Told him it was for the best, because she would never recover if it was him instead. However, Owen would switch places with her without blinking. He would. He wanted to see her again. _Badly_.

Why was everything so _heavy_?

Eating was almost impossible. He couldn't breathe when he recalled her last words, or her last gasp.

He was trying his hardest holding it all together, because he needed to respect and honor her wishes. She wanted to be _Cardio_ _god_ and she pretty much was already, and he would be the greatest in his field for her. That would be what she would've wanted from him.

Cristina would've wanted for him to take care of Meredith. Her person was precious and death could not separate them, that's why he should visit her, share stories, help Derek with that task…

The world was just spinning _so_ fast, and he was just so afraid he would forget her face, her voice… She left him far too soon.

Owen faced the empty bottles of _scotch_ and _tequila_ atop the kitchen counter. He had drunk himself to sleep so many times already, but never because he dreamed of someone every night, not because he dreamed of her _dying_ on him every time.

Did anybody knnow how to hold a heart that was scattered?

Owen couldn't see _anything_ in the house, without remembering her. Every color, detail, furniture, piece of art had her touch on it. That was the house she bought him, after all. He felt depressed and _weak_.

When was the last time he ate?

He just didn't want to let go of her.

"**You can't enter." Karev said to him, stopping his attempt of entering the xam room, with a hand on his chest. **

"**I'm going in Karev and **_**help**__**me**__**God**_** if you don't get out of my way!" exclaimed Owen losing his cool already. His eyes were wide open and he was shaking. "That's my wife, Alex… that's Cristina… I need to-" **

"**I'm coming with you." And both men went in the Exam Room 2. **

"**Cristina…" Meredith's voice was embargoed with emotion. "you're going to be okay, **_**okay**_**? we are going to fix you." **

"**Meredith… MOVE!" Bailey screamed the last part as all of them heard a groan coming from Cristina. **

"**I am not going **_**anywhere**_**, **_**I'm**__**going**_** to **_**help**__**her**_**!" The blonde protested. **

"_**WE**_** are going to help her, you are gonna **_**stay**__**in**__**the**__**back**_** of the room and let **_**us**_** work." **

**In that instant, Webber entered the room in one door, and in the other, Alex and Owen. **

"**Cristina!" her husband proffered and went to her head.**

**He looked his lover in the eye and he saw she was very much scared. **

"**Babe, hey…" his voice was soothing as Webber and Bailey worked on her abdomen. "everything's gonna be fine, do you hear me?" he reassured her as he ran his hands through her hair, now imbibed in blood. **_**Her**_** blood. **

**She tried to say something, although the oxygen mask was making it difficult. Seeing that, Owen ditched the mask just a little so she could speak.**

"**I- lo-" she spited some blood in his hand and made that terrible gagging noise with her own blood. **

"**No! you're **_**not**_** allowed to say those last words, do you hear me?" **

**Her eyes showed pure horror, the light getting out of them like water running out to waste. **

"**Owen-" she tried again. "Mer-" tears were running like a waterfall, leaving her body. **

"**I know, she knows too babe, I **_**love**_** you, but you **_**don't**__**get**_** to **_**die**__**on**__**me**__**Cristina,**_** you…" he regained his breath and looked her straight in the eye. "I **_**love**_** you Cristina Yang and you're my Cardio-Goddess." **

**Cristina felt his tears in her cheeks when she tried to smile, as well as her own. **

"**Okay, let the OR know we're going!" Bailey exclaimed and started to move the gurney. **

"**I lo-v y-" the Asian tried once more, as Owen was beside her, Meredith beside him looking at her with watery eyes and a painful face. Yang deflected her eyes from Owen to Meredith. **

"**You're my **_**person**_**, everything is gonna be alright." But deep down, Mer knew it wouldn't. **

"**Cristina, listen, I lov-" Owen sterted but was interrupted by the beeping coming from the monitors. **

"**Cristina, **_**No**_**!" **

**Webber took the defibrillator's pads and passed them to Bailey who was closer. **

"**Charge 200!" the short woman demanded. "Clear!" **

**Cristina body convulsed, but nothing changed, she was still in cardiac arrest. **

"**NO! CRISTINA!" ****Meredith screamed in horror, as she felt Derek pulling her to him, helping clear the room. Shepherd had his eyes red from crying. **

**Owen was numb. He couldn't even move. **

"**Charge 300! Clear!" **

**Meredith shirked outside the exam room. And all ER was silent contradicting its normal loudness. **

**Still nothing. **

"**Charge 300 again! Clear!" **

"**We got a pulse, c'mon let's go!" it was Webber turn to speak. **

**Owen still couldn't move as they rolled her up to the OR. **

**Karev was in the back of the room facing nowhere in particular. He was in shock. **

**It hit Hunt in a second and next thing he knew he was ascending the hospital' stairs two at a time up to the operating room. **

"_**Yang**_**, you **_**don't**_** die on me! Do you **_**hear**__**me**_**?!" Bailey stated strongly. "I've lost O'Malley and almost lost all of you already!" **

**She and Webber were trying as hard as they could, but the damage was **_**so**_** huge. The car crash had made her chest turn into soup, with the impact, add to that the fact she was thrown out at the traffic, as her car overturned. **

"_**More**_** suction in **_**here**_**!" Webber demanded, as another intern took more lab sponges out of Yang's chest cavity. **

"**BP's dropping!" Ben alerted as he was the anthologist. **

"_**Yang**_**! Don't you **_**dare**_**!" Miranda spoke as she stopped the procedure to take the internal pads. "Charge 10! Clear!" Cristina's heart jumped in place. **

"**Nothing!" Ben clarified. **

"**Charge 30! Clear!" **

**Again, nothing. **

**At that moment, Owen stormed into the OR. He quickly looked at Cristina's vitals. It wasn't good. **

"**Charge again! Clear!" **

**Suddenly, the horrifying sound of flatlining was loud and clear. **

**Owen couldn't say anything, his throat was dry and hoarse, also his vision was blurry with the new wave of tears. **

"_**Damn**__**Yang**_**!" Webber exclaimed. **

"**Charge again, clear!" **

**Nothing. **

**It was a music that never ended. **

**A dreadful single note, indicating she was **_**gone**_**. **

_**Forever**_**. **

**Webber hung his head and Bailey was trembling. The OR was silent, except for the lack of Cristina's heartbeat that was showing on the monitors. **

"**Time of death. 8:24P.M" Richard announced as he took off his scrub cap and got out of the OR. **

**Owen couldn't move. His feet were glued to the floor. Teardrops wetted his blue navy scrubs and the world had stopped. **

**Miranda looked up at the gallery. Meredith was hugging Derek so tight and the man had a defeated look on his face. **

**Cristina Yang was **_**dead**_**. **

Owen woke in a start and tried regain his breath.

Once again, he dreamt about that night again. The worst night of his life.

Sometimes, he wished someone told him that everything was a lie.

He caught himself thinking that maybe, if he never had met Cristina, she'd still be alive.

He blamed himself, even though, he knew he had nothing to do with it.

Owen looked at the alarm-clock by the bed. It read 8:24P.M.

He got of off the bed and marched to the kitchen. He didn't have the crave for food, but he knew it was necessary, so he ate _cereal_.

After his meal, he showered and went to bed again. It looked like it was all he did these days, to be honest, and to be more honest than that, he didn't care.

Owen Hunt was lost. He didn't think he needed her _so_ _much, 'till he lost her. _

His only consolation was that he valued her senseless during her bright, but short life.

**He was used to be down there. At the morgue. **

**Owen Hunt just never thought he'd be there for Cristina. **

**Her lifeless body, now cleaned up, laid cold and still. **

**He apprehended the gurney and sat on a stool nearside. **

**Her face was covered with a blue sheet and he paused before moving it. **

**He wasn't sure he wanted to see her like that. **

**He exhaled and followed with his previous action, showing out her face. **

**His heart sunk and a river cascaded down his already red face. **

"**Oh my God, **_**Cristina**_**…" he whined. **

**He ran his hands through her curls. **

**Owen was heartbroken. **

**He had lost many people in life, but none of them created this amount of pain inside. **

**He breathed deeper and touched her face. Cool like ice. **

"**Why did you **_**do**_** this to me, **_**huh**_**?" he enquired knowing better than to wait for a response. **

**He couldn't conceive she was dead. **

**He would never see her smile reach her eyes, listen to her voice, or watch her doing surgery…**

**It was just too much and he was hyperventilating. **

**It wasn't fair. To either of them.**

**His breathing was ragged and shallow, his vision blurry and his hands shook from the emotion. **

"**It's **_**you**_** Cristina." Whispered the widower. "it'll always be you… oh **_**damn**_**!" **

**The sobs made his shoulders bounce with its force. His throat was sore from crying, his head hurting from the pain all the commotion brought. **

**He had fallen from cloud 9. **

**He had slept in light cloud and gravity has escaped him, letting him fall to the concrete. **

"**If you loved me, **_**why**_** did you leave me?" **

**He would never know. **

It was morning again.

And once again, their bed was cold on her side of it.

Owen Hunt was crushed without Cristina Yang.

**6 months later**

He stopped his truck and took a deep breath. Exited the car and went for _her_.

"Hey Dr. Yang" he greeted her plaque as he crouched in front of it, moving away the dust from it with his hands. "Hey babe…" heavy was his voice now. He looked up trying not to break down.

"I've missed you _so_ _much_, you know." Owen reached for the photo at her tombstone. "I just got back from the trip I told you I'd go with Meredith, Derek and the kids." He smiled at that.

"You would've loved everything. Except for the fact it'd keep you from operating."

Owen sat on the ground and continued.

"I decided to be the _best_ for you, Cristina. It was what you always wanted for you, and your dreams will live through me now."

The redheaded man caressed the face on the photo. He drew his fingers by her curls, and cheekbones, mouth…

He inhaled his cry and carried on with his words.

"I think about you as the one who fixed me, Cristina. I still love you, nonetheless. I'll _always_, and _forever_. You were my one and only and I want to be better for you, to be worthy of your legacy, of the love you gave me."

Tears streamed down his face by now and he didn't wipe them off.

"You taught me so much, before you left. I'm so sorry we couldn't save you, and I'd shift with you any day, I want you to _know_ that."

After some minutes speechless, he stood on his feet.

"I just want you to know that I _love_ _you_. _Thank_ _you_. Can't wait to see you again."

With that, Owen kissed his palm and planted it on her photograph.

"'Till next time, Cristina."

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"I think you're good to go, Dr. Hunt." Dr. Waytt spoke in a gratified tone.

Owen displayed a little smile on the corner of his mouth.

"Wanna say to me what are you feeling, after this trip?" suggested the blonde.

The female was referring to the trip Owen took around the US and Europe in the last 6 months. It has been Derek and Meredith's idea, since they were going in a leave of absence for some time, the couple offered him the chance to clear his head. Being in the hospital all the time, and not being cleared for surgery, would make them go nuts.

Hunt had accepted the chance of getting out of Seattle, because Dr. Waytt had encouraged him to.

"I still feel lost without her." He took a deep breath and followed "I believe I may never recover from that fatidic day. Because, I've lost the love of my life and you just don't _get_ _better_ after 6 months, or 9, or a year, for that matter."

He looked Katherine in the face.

"But, I'm ready to get back at operating. I know that surgery was the most loved thing by Cristina, and I want to spend the rest of my life honoring her passion."

"That's virtuous."

"I have no doubt in my mind where I belong. I belong here. In the OR. Saving lives. Making her proud. And maybe, just maybe, someday we'll meet again. I've never believed in that, but it brings me hope and some peace, so I'm choosing to, from now on."

"I admire your mightiness and everything you've accomplished so far." The woman smiled. "it's not easy. And it'll never be, but with time, she'll be a part of your past you'll remember fondly and with utterly love, and it won't hurt as badly. You're going to miss her, but it won't sting too much remembering her."

Owen offered her another plain smile.

"Thank you, Dr. Waytt." said Hunt as he stood up and walked to the door. Their time was up.

"Anytime, Dr. Hunt." She answered. "Have a good day back at Grey Sloan."

He nodded and closed the door behind him.

As he walked to the elevator, his pager went off and to the pit he went. It was strange to be back, but the life must go on, one way or another, one step at a time.

The ER was chaotic, and soon enough, he was headed to the OR with a teenager involved in a hit and run.

He scrubbed in record time, her green scrub cap on. The one that belonged to Craig Thomas before. And in no time, was hovering over the boy to start the procedure. Only the staff movements could be heard aside from the monitors, 'till he asked:

"Scalpel."

Author's notes: I had this idea out of the blue and had a very, very sad playlist on spotify to inspire me, so, yeah… I've learnt dealing with grieve in a very young age, and there's no formula for that. Everyone faces it differently and I wasn't my intention to disrespect anyone by writing this, so if you felt like you were, I am deeply sorry.

Also, the fanfiction ended this way, because, for so many times he said he'd honor her passion, so yeah, Cristina Yang was made for surgery.

Thank you, and if you got here already, might as well leave a comment, right?

See ya xx


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